Being pregnant is a blessing and brings me much joy, overall, each and every time despite life’s circumstances. Of course, there is stress and sometimes sadness, too, because life around us is still happening.
Close to the birth of our firstborn, my husband lost his cousin who was his closest cousin growing up. Close to the birth of our second baby, I lost my younger cousin, Abby (the first person I have ever witnessed dying).
My whole second pregnancy was filled with sadness and at times, I was worried my baby was absorbing so much of my negative emotions. During my last month, I was worried I would develop postpartum depression.
But then something happened when Rafael was born (his name, which we picked months prior, meaning “God has healed” … talk about a sign). It felt like he healed the hurt I was feeling and many of us were feeling. No, he didn’t replace Abby — no one could ever do that — but I noticed moods and spirits lifted. I know she’d be happy about that.
This time around, I am pregnant during another tumultuous time–a global once-in-a-100-years pandemic. Constant anxiety and concern. A period of not seeing many family and friends. No hugging many people. No commuting. No time in the office. No school for the kids. No hands-on activities for them, either. No traveling by plane… and the list goes on.
There is so much I’d like to do and so many people we’d like to see but either can’t or don’t due to fear of exposure. And while I am not pregnant during what was the most uncertain and scariest part here in New York (spring 2020- shout out to all the strong mamas who were!), much is still uncertain and at a standstill. Do I get the vaccine? Is there really enough research on the affects to fetuses/ newborns when breastfeeding?
And once again, the new baby growing inside me is helping me in ways he doesn’t yet know. He is keeping my mind off what we can’t do as I look forward to his birth and a life together in which we will do so many things together. He, along with his big brothers, provide much optimism and hope.
Because I know this time shall pass and it’s all a part of our story.
Mamas, we will be stronger for it.
Leave a Reply