Moments of Musing

The Journey of Motherhood: Returning to Work

Filed Under: journey of motherhood, motherhood //

Motherhood is a journey. 

This guest post is written by Laura Otton, LCSW, who has a private practice based out of Huntington, NY, specializing in all things motherhood ranging from fertility issues and pregnancy loss, to pregnancy and the postpartum period. She is running The Journey of Motherhood, a series of workshops, at The Nesting Place in West Islip NY. The fourth and final workshop, Returning to Work, is the inspiration for this post and will be held this Saturday, February 8, 2020 from 1:30-3PM. You can learn more about Laura practice and workshops by visiting her website at therapyformotherhood.com

 This is Part 4 of a four-part series. 

Working mom, working mother, maternity leave, return to work, career mom, lawyer mom, back to work, Mat leave, parental leave, postpartum


What is motherhood if not a feeling of push-pull between your children and everything else? You want a break, yet when you get one you miss them so much it hurts. You want nothing more than to be a mama, yet sometimes you miss your old life. You miss work. You miss home. Is it possible to give 100% to your children and 100% to your job? Are you compromising on both ends and feel guilty? Anxious? Overwhelmed trying to do it all? Have it all? 
Maybe you skipped away from daycare or your house feeling free from the burden of caring for your little one, only 30 minutes later have the homesick feeling of missing your baby hit you. Or perhaps it took you 20 minutes to say goodbye; you went over instructions, schedules, and precautions ten times, anxiously wringing your hands and imagining every scenario of doom…and then going to work wasn’t so bad.
Work also comes with…well, work. Bottles, packing, cleaning, pumping, formula-buying, outfit arranging, dropping off, picking up, researching the best daycares, navigating the sticky situations of in-law and parental involvement. Long commute? Baby has a cold? Traveling for work? Intrusive co-workers? Unsympathetic bosses? Awkward privacy for pumping and storing? These only add to the burden. This feels hard because it is hard.
Some of us have to go back to work. Some of us want to go back to work. Some work full-time. Others start working from home or cut back on their hours. Some walk away completely. There are endless variations, but absolutely none are free from…wait for it…mom guilt. Ugh. Guilt hangs heavy on our shoulders. We often feel it in waves, ebbing and flowing, small, then large. 
Work gives us more than a paycheck. Using your education and experience to be productive at work feels good. We receive validation and praise for a job well done. We usually know what “well done” looks like. You have tasks at a job. You check things off. You accomplish and move forward. What does this notsound like? Caring for a baby, which often feels endless and thankless, uncertain, and frustrating. 
Also, socializing! Chatting with co-workers, talking about something besides your baby’s lack of sleep and bodily functions—here’s a lot of good about work. There’s also a lot of good about being home. Parenthood isn’t easy no matter what the work situation looks like for your family. There’s no solution involving work or not working that makes parenthood easy, but there are combinations that look best for you and for your family. I emphasize this because we compare ourselves to others. We get defensive and sensitive because we can doubt and overanalyze our choices. We seek validation that we’re doing the right thing. But it has to be right for you. If your family has the luxury of being able to choose work or home for you or your partner, then you’re left with decisions to make. And it’s important to make them carefully but with confidence. 
I work with my clients on acknowledging and validating that the push/pull of baby/work is real, normal, and okay. It’s called ambivalence, and we all have it. It also is going to look different on different days. One day you may be skipping off to work, and the next you’re holding back tears at your desk (or maybe this describes the same day!). But in therapy we work on mindfulness—that buzz word so popular these days. Basically, when you’re at work, you are focused on work, mind and body. And when you leave work, you leave work, mind and body. You appreciate work. You appreciate being home. You care for yourself on those really tough days we all have. But understand that most days aren’t going to be those super tough days. Most days are okay. Feel proud of your work. Enjoy the benefits of it. And when you’re home, cherish it. Enjoy the benefits of it. Feel proud of it. And remember, this is what has to work for you and your family. Comparing your plans to others’ will only bring doubt or hollow pride (you’re doing it right, they’re doing it wrong). Therapy focuses on building your confidence so you aren’t looking to others for validation or letting doubt creep in. Another important component to strengthen is your boundary-setting with supervisors and co-workers, and advocacy so your new needs as a parent are being met—perhaps this is a clean and private area to pump, or it’s having meetings scheduled during the day so you can leave on time. We work on your relationship with your partner so you’re on more equal footing and can provide the other with needed support. We weigh pros and cons of career changes—whether that’s leaning in to a promotion or taking a step back to part-time, working from home, or taking a break all together.
There is no plan without imperfections and downsides. You are doing the best you can with what you have. In all my experience, I’ve never seen the same plan work for different families. It’s unique for you. What does this look like for you and for your family? How do you feel about it? How does your partner feel about it? Is it working for your family? Is it working for you? I urge you to carve out a quiet moment with your partner to discuss this in order to get to the root of your feelings, figure out what aspects you have control over and where you can make decisions, and then make plans or changes. Let’s see how work can work for you.

When Flu Season Hits Home

Filed Under: motherhood //

father son, feverall, fever medicine, flu, cold, flu season, baby fever, kid fever,

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of FeverAll. All opinions are 100% mine.

Being a mom means putting your kids needs first many times. That especially goes when they are sick. A few weeks ago we were all under the weather but it was the kids I was primarily concerned about, due to their fevers.

It seems every January, our year starts with a cold virus or bug, which kind of sucks. The silver lining is it forces us to slow down after the holidays and it’s just a cold virus, no biggie.
What we’ve never had together before is the flu. This time, both boys had elevated fevers. To be honest, the fevers were the scariest part. Fevers affect body temperature, breathing, and can lead to seizures. That worries me the most.

father son, feverall, fever medicine, flu, cold, flu season, baby fever, kid fever,

Sometimes, when kids are sick they can not take oral medications due to vomiting or issues with swallowing. FeverAll® Infants’ Strength is the perfect option of medicine when that’s the case. It is the only acetaminophen labeled for infants as young as 6 months of age.

With FeverAll® Infants’ Strength Suppositories on hand, caregivers can be ready to temporarily relieve their infant’s fever and pain at any time, especially when they are refusing oral medication, having swallowing issues or can’t keep down oral medication due to vomiting.

When oral medication is not an option, turn to FeverAll® acetaminophen suppositories for temporary pain relief and fever reduction. Mom-and-child-friendly FeverAll® suppositories are available in 3 strengths so you can provide just the right strength and dosing of temporary fever/pain relief as your child grows older.

father son, feverall, fever medicine, flu, cold, flu season, baby fever, kid fever,

Empowered Mom Bod

Filed Under: motherhood //

This post is sponsored by Perifit. All opinions are my own.

postpartum body, pregnancy, childbirth, pelvic floor, kegel, pelvic floor exercise, kegel exercise, perefit



Stretch marks. Scars. Extra curves. Looser skin… Decreased bladder control…. and so on. Pregnancy and childbirth change our bodies. There’s no going around it. Instead of being down about it, I’ve chosen to cherish my body. To treat it kindly and with grace. To be grateful for making me a mom. 

Most of all, I want to empower my mom bod to be the best it can be!

Did you know more than 1 billion women have pelvic floor disorders like incontinence or prolapse? Kegel exercises strengthen your pelvic floor to combat incontinence and pelvic floor issues. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to work out muscles you can’t see. Perifit cuts out all of the guesswork.

postpartum body, pregnancy, childbirth, pelvic floor, kegel, pelvic floor exercise, kegel exercise, perefit

Perifit is a Kegel exerciser that lets you control videos games with your pelvic floor. It’s simple and actually quite fun! When you contract your pelvic floor, a bird flies up. When you relax your pelvic floor, the bird flies down. Repeat to play and advance levels while strengthening your pelvic floor at the same time!

These games were designed by doctors to help properly strengthen the pelvic floor. It works so well that more than 1000 doctors already recommend Perifit to combat incontinence and prolapse and other pelvic floor disorders.

postpartum body, pregnancy, childbirth, pelvic floor, kegel, pelvic floor exercise, kegel exercise, perefit


Working From Home: 3-Month Recap

Filed Under: career, career and motherhood, motherhood, working from home, working mom //

It has been a little over three months working from home. Our routines have changed a bit, but for the most part things are going smoothly. Today, I’m spilling on what it has been like — what has worked, what hasn’t and how we’re all doing with this new change:

We have some new routines but I’m still figuring out my routine…

The very beginning was trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. I was doing work at 2AM because I hadn’t carved out time during the day to do so. A couple days in, I did not know how I was going to do it — take care of the boys, the house, and myself while working in the middle of the night. It seemed impossible.

I soon realized I simply needed to make a new routine. I now try to wake up, check emails, serve the boys their breakfasts, feed them, and get back to work while they eat and play. I take little work breaks throughout the day to catch up on work so I am done by bed time. 
And though I hate to admit it, there are some days when I still do my work at 2AM …or 5AM or other odd hours. There are still times, I work in bed at night. I think this is okay though.  On days when I’m flying solo with the boys or they’re sick or extra needy for whatever reason, work waits until the late hours or bedtime or even weekends. 

All that being said, I think I work more odd hours now but also more efficiently. Motherhood has certainly helped teach me how to do so.

It can be overwhelming.

A big part of working from home can feel like stay-at-home motherhood plus the added work. I miss adult interaction. I do not get much time in my home office to get work done on my own. Instead the kitchen island has become my desk. 
It can be especially stressful when the boys are fighting or throwing tantrums or just want me to give them my time and attention. Focusing on work during those moments is nearly impossible so I just have to prioritize their needs above my work — being able to do so is the best part of working from home. 
Thankfully, I do not have to be by a computer for a set number of hours or during set times. I just have to be available somehow (cell is fine, usually); arrange in advance for video meetings or phone calls; and do my work in a timely manner. I have also had to discuss my capabilities, and what I need help with around the house with my husband, who is now mostly home, too.

I can’t do it all.

The biggest thing I have learned in this process is that as much as I want to do it “all,” I simply can’t. It’s impossible. I started out thinking I could work from home, take care of the house, care for the boys, and teach my older son preschool. I quickly realized I could not teach him the way he deserved to be taught and that he was missing out on socialization with other kids. 

So, we enrolled S in preschool. It gives us some time to spend with R, get things done around the house and possibly get some work done if R naps. S absolutely loves school and I know it was a great decision. I also realized that I need help with house work and taking care of the boys. I’ve had to ask my husband to help out more but I think we have a good groove now. 

It has been the best decision of my career thus far.

From what I’ve learned, the early years of motherhood are very busy chaotic. Some Many days, motherhood trumps all and takes most of my time and attention. This happens more often than not, in a ll honestly. Working from home enables me to shift my work priorities to prioritize my most important role – being their mom. My position also still challenges me,  fosters interaction with co-workers, and one of the best parts is that I do not have a resume or income gap. 
I am forever grateful that I have achieved as close to a balance as it gets in my career, and I can only hope it will continue this way while still being able to grow professionally. 

The Journey of Motherhood: Reconnecting with Your Partner

Filed Under: body image, journey of motherhood, laura otter, motherhood, postpartum body //


Motherhood is a journey. 


This guest post is written by Laura Otton, LCSW, who has a private practice based out of Huntington, NY, specializing in all things motherhood ranging from fertility issues and pregnancy loss, to pregnancy and the postpartum period. She is running The Journey of Motherhood, a series of workshops, at The Nesting Place in West Islip NY. The third workshop, Reconnecting with Your Partner, is the inspiration for this post and will be held this Saturday January 11, 2019. You can learn more about Laura practice and workshops by visiting her website at therapyformotherhood.com

This is Part 3 of a four-part series. 


As I’m creating the content for my workshop Reconnecting with Your Partner I’m realizing it’s about so much more than reconnecting (put your phones down! Sit close together on the sofa when you’re watching tv!). 

It’s about communication and our inherent need to be heard and understood. It’s about feeling attractive to the other. It’s about creating the space in our lives again for our partnership to be the foundation of the family, not a castoff side note. 

Our marriages/partnerships take work—time, energy, communication, patience, self-reflection—that is often difficult in even the best of times. But bring a new baby into the mix with the sleep deprivation, financial strain, messiness, and outside intrusions from family—and, well, no marriage can hide completely from the worst parts of ourselves being hurtled at the other. 

Think back to the last argument (heated discussion? fight?) you had with your partner. Was it over how to load the dishwasher? Who got more sleep last night? (not me! I’m the most tired!) Who gets a break from the baby when working-partner arrives home? Something a family member said? I’d challenge you to think about what the argument was really about. 

Usually it boils down to something like, “I do more work, I’m more tired, you’re not helping enough; I need you to understand how hard this is.” We all know that the best relationships have open, loving and honest communication in which each person is heard and feels validated. The problem so often is that we’re not speaking in terms of feelings when we argue. 

We throw accusations. We make lists, spoken or unspoken, of wrongs against us, and this makes it hard to see that so often both partners feel exactly the same, but are reacting in different ways—are handling the new stress of baby differently. 

It is common for new moms to feel rage, sadness, or fear they hadn’t experienced before, and the partner is the nearest and most vulnerable victim. And for the partner—he or she can feel new pressures to support or to earn, or they may feel left behind or clueless as to their new role. Both are afraid of the baby not getting the best, of the baby being hurt, of messing up. 

Addressing intimacy is also a difficult but crucial part of the work. It’s joked about how it feels impossible to ever even want to be intimate again—covered in spit-up, unshowered, exhausted, stressed, and just worn out from all the touch children require.

If you’re struggling in your relationship right now, know that you’re not alone. It is easy to see how even the best relationships are tested during this time. There are tried-and-true ways to improve the quality of communication that trickles down to your children. There are ways to weave romance and affection into the everyday. 

Your relationship can grow and strengthen as you watch the other be a parent—giving and receiving love from the child. Of course time can help relationships as the child ages and you get more sleep, but sometimes the rifts do nothing but grow as time goes on—for children will always be needing, and if the partners have turned into roommates/coworkers for the family—well, you can see where this goes. 

Love is pushed out for the sake of efficiency and avoiding disagreements. The best thing for a child is to have love from his or her family; to witness healthy communication, respect, boundary-setting, affection, and helpfulness. Working on your relationship with your partner is worth all the time, energy, and resources you can give because it is the foundation for the family. 

First, you need the right tools. Therapy can do just that—provide the tools, tweak the language, lay the groundwork—for the partnership to grow out of the postpartum period into a relationship that withstands and thrives. I’ve enjoyed creating the content for this workshop because it’s a good refresher no matter what stage you’re in. Though I still maintain I load the dishwasher the right way.