mom of two Archives - Moments of Musing

I spent much of my second pregnancy wondering how my heart could love another baby as much as I love S. What everyone told me was true, though: Your heart just does.

I felt anxious during our drive home. After all, I knew the return home would be a bit tough. Since S was sick, he hadn’t yet met R and he would still have to keep his distance from R.

When we arrived, S was sleeping. I went to his room, knelt beside his bed, and cried. I was elated to see him but I felt bad I hadn’t cared for him the past few days, and I brought a new baby home while he was under the weather. He’d have to share me and he didn’t even feel well and he was no longer an only child. So. Many. Emotions!

Thankfully, their meeting went well. Fast forward a day or two, and S wanted to be picked up but I couldn’t pick him up due to my C-section.

So, I knelt down and tried my best to explain my boo-boo prevented me from being able to carry him. He didn’t really get it and so we cried together on the kitchen floor as I held him.

The following week, S still seemed sick so the pediatrician said I had to keep the boys apart… Talk about feeling torn in two! (My mom swooped in and stayed with us for a few days. Don’t know how I’d do this without my parents’ love and support!)

We celebrated S with a Big Brother cake with family the weekend after R was born. I’ve included him in feedings by letting him taste and drink my breast milk, upon his request. I always tell him how much I love him and encourage him to carry and play with his little brother (supervised, of course).

I nurse R and I really love that I do. It gives me comfort knowing we share a special connection and one-on-one time because his alone time with me is almost nonexistent aside from feedings.
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Suffice it to say the transition was not super easy. Sharing my heart and my love is not easy, either.

My attention is constantly divided between them and at the end of the day I often wonder whether I gave each of them enough of me… And then I realize: I give them both basically all of me and surely, that’s more than enough.

I don’t know if it ever gets 100% easier to share our hearts and time with multiple babies but I think we just figure out a way to best do it.

Moms have been doing it for all of eternity so I know I’ll be just fine. Mama, you will be, too.

As I was writing this, I had to stop one sentence in and stop pumping. The baby was hungry and S wanted something. Multitasking has become one of my best skills. I’ll be sure to update my resume with it.

A few days ago, I spoke with my mom over the phone and she asked me how the day was going. I probably told her something along the lines of “Oh, you know—crazy.” She replied something along the lines of, “Well that’s normal when you have two under two” while chuckling.

“I’ve traded a bit of my sanity so my kids could grow up and experience their childhoods together,” I thought to myself after I got off the phone with her.

That is basically how life with two kids under two-years-old is going… There is constant breast feeding and there are constant tantrums. There are many belly laughs and there are many cries (mainly from the kiddos — I’ve kept it together pretty surprisingly well.) There is basically no shortage of emotion here.

Some days start off with smiles, hugs and kisses. Others start off with cries and tantrums. Some days are much more hectic than others but all days are filled with love.

I’ve learned to let go of expectation and accept having little control over how the days go. I’m learning patience is truly a virtue and is key to feeling in control over my emotions. If I am patient with myself in my mothering role and with the kids in their kids roles then I am much calmer and feel better (AKA less guilty).

These are the days, though. I know I’ll look back and wish for them again. So, I wouldn’t trade any of these days… not even the hard ones.

The Transition to Sharing my Heart as a Mom of Two

So, I knelt down and tried my best to explain my boo-boo prevented me from being able to carry him. He didn’t really get it and so we cried together on the kitchen floor as I held him.

Life With Two Under Two